Friday, July 24, 2015

Oh you wanted to come?



You pick up your phone as soon at rings on a Friday afternoon.
Eager to see which one of your friends messaged you.

"Useless broadcast message".
Frustrated you throw your phone back against your bed.

"How did I get here?" There's nothing to do on a Friday night, after a stressful week.

You go through your contacts, bored, and you start to realize something. "I chill with these people on a daily basis on weekdays at university, I should see what they're up to."

One by one they answer always starting with "sorry" they're all busy or have plans of their own. You see if any of your cousins are free and surprisingly you get the same answers.

You realize how all these people are mere acquaintances, you have no one to turn to. But you can't stay home. So you go to a local cafe and keep yourself entertained.

Looking back to the old days when you were part of a clique you remember the fun times you used to have, and wonder what happened.

The truth is you'll never have that somebody that spent all their time with you unless they have no one else. That's the way it is. Loneliness is inevitable, the people at university don't share your beliefs or likes and dislikes so it's difficult to befriend anyone like you used to.

Feeling alienated in your own country is nothing to be ashamed of, There are people that feel at home away from their native countries, things happen, and they happen quick. But with time you realize something, Giving up on your oldest friends because of stupid/small issues is not the "healthiest" of ideas. But it's too late now, advice usually comes to us later after we've messed up, the best thing to do is to move on and start fresh. 

No one will ever be that perfect puzzle piece that you look for so hard through the pile just to find in the end, that one piece that fits in perfectly and ends our frustration doesn't exist, People are not puzzle pieces they're far more complex than that.

But never give up on yourself, because sooner or later things will work out, even if it works out more or less, it'll still be enough for satisfaction. we all learn that with time because Patience is truly a virtue and in most cases we'll come to see that this whole time being patient was our problem. We should also learn how to deal with people and society, not to put all our eggs in one basket mainly. This way the next time we trip, they don't all fall and break.

So go out there my dear readers, talk to people and socialize to your heart's content, but keep in mind the cruel nature of people, and the fragile nature of yourselves, play it safe and steady until things are all Ok again.

God forbid one day we won't need people to feel good about ourselves. . .

- "Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as means of escape"


Friday, June 26, 2015

A Life Lived Wasted.




An inevitable day comes when we open our eyes.
We take our first breath, and the first thing we see is our mother’s face and florescent lights.
All of a sudden there’s all these lights and shades and colors and sounds, The only way we know how to react is by wailing and crying.
God only knows if out of fear or awe, I’d say it was fear for sure if only we knew at the time what was to follow this overwhelming moment.

In the blink of an eye we’re living the life.
Being fed on command, cleaned on command, and held on command. Anything we want is there and it’s available, we’re privileged beings. As if that wasn’t enough, we play, explore and discover all day long, sleep when we want and stay up as we like. The world is open to us and we just take and take and take. Like a little privileged sponge. Most are even lucky to be smothered in love and have the reward of awe, hugs, and kisses to every achievement, no matter how little, is accomplished. These are the best days of our life.

We soon find ourselves in a uniform, at the cost of time and achievements, life is now controlled by a schedule.
We leave home in the morning, get on a bus full of other confused beings, and are driven to a building.
At this building we are expected to imitate a larger being and do what we’re told. Rewards for success are handed down a lot less now, and so begins the endless routine.

For the first time ever we’re scolded at by one of these larger beings, either from home or at that building that we now know is called a “School”.
We’re still expected to imitate what the larger person does but now we also mostly do what is told.
The rewards are slowly disappearing they’ve been replaced by letters and sometimes numbers, the higher your number or letter is the better you were than everyone else.
We arrive home from this “School” and we go by the routine, except the work has now somehow followed us to our sanctuary. We’re denied the things we want, without reason, instead of being rewarded for good things we’re punished for the things that other people don’t like. Confusion starts to hit.

It feels like it’s been forever at this school, we finally understand this whole process, more or less, we’re taken into groups as easily as we’re kicked out from them, we feel attracted to other people, we love, we lose, we love again. We’re expected to do what everyone else is doing and act like everyone else is acting. We’re judged based on how similar we are to all the “Normal People” and to them we’re never similar enough, One day we’re outcasts and the next we’re surrounded by admirers, only to realize that we’ve become outcasts once again. We start comparing the Physical pain tied to injuries from playing and discovering to Emotional pain after we’re rejected, after we’re neglected, after we fail, after we make any mistake, a mistake everyone seems to be waiting so eagerly for.
We’re not confused anymore we begin to see the nightmare we’re beginning to walk into. No these are not the best days of our lives.

We’re soon free to make decisions again, We’re at even bigger institutions, all that we’ve learned till this day is that we’re supposed to be learning, but here we are still doing what the “bigger” person is asking us to do. Constantly we’re told that we’re being prepared for a this thing called “Life” but if you asked any of us at this point if we were ready, we wouldn’t even know if we weren’t. This being said they still think we’re capable of knowing flat out, what we wanted to “Learn” to do in the future.
The biggest rewards and punishments these days are those Numbers and Letters we were shown a while back but now they feel different, a low number or letter was just as painful as being scolded at, and a high letter or number was just as cheerful as a gold star on our paper.
Constant fear that these scores will decide your entire future are always in play.
We start to wish we could go back, “like woah, this train is moving to fast how do I get off??”

We’re no longer dependent beings, we now have a “Job” something we fought very hard for, It’s nothing like we always wanted but something has to pay the bills.
We have less and less time, throwing away our health to earn and save worthless paper, it’s valuable, but worthless nonetheless.
The numbers and letters are gone there is no reward and punishment anymore, instead you now either make more of that paper or you lose a lot of it. And our importance and status is decided on having earned a lot, saved a lot and spent a lot of this paper.
nothing really has changed the situations have been substituted but we’re used to the judgment and expectations of others.

Life is difficult now at the end of this seemingly endless journey.
we’re not as strong as we remember being, we’re not in control of our kids as much as we’d like to be, things still don’t go our way, but we feel as though we’ve accomplished something.
Maybe it’s not just an illusion as we thought it might be. Maybe we actually made a difference in this world, but then again maybe it was an illusion and we really didn’t do anything that special besides maybe working on the clock, raising kids, and working on the clock even longer. Let’s face it, we’ve lost this long board game, we put in everything we had, our lives,  and it’s just now we realize we’ve lost.
Here we are in a bed staring at those same florescent lights again, barley breathing. Our life flashes before our eyes. . . .

Back to every day except this one “The good old days”
when we were young and had all the time in the world and all the energy we could ever need, and soon after that to the teen years where we had less time but still a lot of energy, we soon became adults with no time and little energy, but here we are now with all the time once again and no energy to do anything about it. How could we be foolish enough to waste all this time alive but not have lived a single day of our lives. We wasted our health for money that we would spend on our health so that we could waste it even more. What did we contribute to our lives?


With a last breath we look back to that first day opening our eyes, we realize, we may have opened our eyes. . . . but not for a single day after that were we ever born, except for now. . . but it’s too late, and with that being said our eyes close shut.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Sia - Elastic Heart feat. Shia LaBeouf & Maddie Ziegler (Official Video)



One of the best Videos i've ever seen for a song.
wouldn't have been possible without The talent and Genius of Sia, Maddie Ziegler and Shia LaBeouf.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Disappointment.

 

gun-mouth

Father comes to visit for the holidays and naturally he is curious about what the middle child is up to.
The oldest in one of the best grad schools in the world.
"How are your grades looking this semester?" I'm sorry but they're pretty average.


"Oh that must mean you've been too busy to study because you're working." Actually I haven't got a job either, Dad.


"Oh you sneaky old dog you, there must be a lady keeping you distracted from working or studying." Actually my girlfriend left me for the local douchebag a while ago.


Father then gives me a serious glance and asks: "what's the catch then? What have you been possibly doing that could have kept you from studying or working or at least building up a relationship!?"
.

.

.


"Have you been too busy with your friends?" Dad my friends all decided I wasn't worth the struggle and realized how much more difficult I make things for them.
"What have you been doing then this whole time?"


**********


Could you answer the question if you were in my shoes?


I don't think any educated person could look at their father straight in the eyes after this and explain how you had been doing nothing. Exactly nothing. How could you not find the time to study or work or have fun if you did nothing!?


Is this what depression is? Coming home to a mother who's been alone all day and misses you, and slamming the bedroom door in her face when she asks those curious inquires about your day, she wouldn't ask if she didn't care. And then you put your head to sleep and ignore all your friends' messages and calls, distancing yourself from them, taking yourself out of their group slowly but surely. Think they'd make 6 to 7 unanswered calls a day if they didn't care? You wake up from your nap only to shrug off your siblings who look up to you, all he wanted was someone to play with, but you, you were to busy, doing nothing. You leave the house at night friends or no friends you need that buzz of substance that keeps you from caving in everyday, and you pick your poison, oh from caffeine to nicotine to anything that destroys your insides. Finally you come home and can't take it anymore, can anyone be this much of a disappointment, or a failure. It's unreal. You run to find shelter and relief in a box of stolen Xanax pills. No shelter to be found, your raging family had found the stash and consumed or dumped them all. You look around all you hear is anger and all you see is fear, shove your face into a pillow, can't break a tear. And now you know the world is done with you again you run to pray to god, trying to make amends. In the end you flip through your phone and realize you're done, you look at the battery and the percent is almost 1, won't matter anyway you failed at life the reaper is shooting bullets and you have nowhere to strife, write a quick letter, sit in the darkness, and wait for the sun, with it's rising you'll swallow your gun, with one loud pop and one blinding flare you'll take your life, like few ever dare. Then when it's too late the people at the funeral will sit there and stare,


"Where did we go wrong, all we did was care."

* * *

this is a fictional piece of art.